she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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