i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
