Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
