Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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