dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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