my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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