Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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