chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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