I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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