Me. At least after what I've been through.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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