Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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