im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Who wears a wallet chain?!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize