I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
