awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
