So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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