I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
