why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
