Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
