Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
then he tried to convert me to islam
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
