I will die if light touches me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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