I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
