she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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