Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She bit a glass in half.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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