all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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