I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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