My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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