I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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