he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
