My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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