I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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