angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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