I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
