Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My penis needs a shock collar
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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