There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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