he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
