Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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