I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
