ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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