How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
