you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
