bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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