You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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