If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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