i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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