why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
