we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
