it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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