I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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