I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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