it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
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