So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
