Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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