thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
