just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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