I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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