Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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